HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.