Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.