Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
You Might Also Like
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
*launders Kohls cash*
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.