stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??