All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away