Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
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I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
True
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree