what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
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GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.