[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
You Might Also Like
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…