I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.