I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Life is a suicide mission.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend