Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
uncle dave has been through hell
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away