Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.