We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
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Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
can’t catch a break
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.