When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.