2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
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*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I know karate and tons of other words.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.