Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Matt Goss
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean