I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
You Might Also Like
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
#CatsOnTwitter
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.