Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway