My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
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Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.