I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
no one likes gloating
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me irl
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.