“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
You Might Also Like
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Yes, but it was never about money
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
The smoothest fall of all time
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered