A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks