My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I am crying
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]