“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I’m already scared