oh you like road-trips? name every road then
You Might Also Like
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
🙂🙃🥹
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation