Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Look at this
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
this is the news I live for
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”