[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
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Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂