Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?