This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.