I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Baller is short for ballerina
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.