My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
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Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
another case of gang violins
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.