ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I’m being attacked 😭
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth