When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
You Might Also Like
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
The answer is funnier than the question
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.