How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Dishonest mechanic?