Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
constantly working on myself.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures