The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
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All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Come back with a warrant
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.