BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail