Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
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I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
#ProTip
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.