SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
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I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.