When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick