What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
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If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!