Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Good morning y’all ☀️
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.