I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
THIS HEADLINE
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?