You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast