For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.