Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Sharon I have some bad news
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
One of the best
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.