JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
You Might Also Like
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak