The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Just this preview of the story is enough
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”