Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text