Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
saving face 👀
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!